Stupid Idea's and the Measuring Tape

[Peter Nevai]

It is an undisputed fact that everyone does at least a few stupid things in their lives. Some people manage to eek out more, some less. I truly believe that buried deep within the crinkled mass of meat that we call a brain there is a repository of all the stupid things you will do in your life time. It is right there across from the bright idea's section. Only the females of the species seem to lack this vault of information else they have evolved a mechanism to block triggering stimuli from ever reaching that area. In rare cases they are born with some sort of disability, which explains the dumb blond phenomenon.

This archive of dumb things is accessed like a bizarre Rube Goldberg card catalog. You see certain criteria have to be met in order to access the exact stupid thing that is stored in there for you to do. Once you have done that stupid thing it gets flushed from the archive usually never again to be a menace, either, except if you also were born with a birth defect and the stupid thing gets stuck and this is the exact reason for the Darwin Awards and you die, which by the way is the qualifier required to win a Darwin Award.

It works like this for example. I am bored, and just got a big tax refund, my sex life has been off track for a while. It is spring. This set of data gets plugged into the stupid thing card catalog query ( *BORED* *TAX REFUND* *NO SEX* *SPRING* ) waiting for the last piece of information to enable the retrieval of the stupid thing. I watch TV and see a Honda Sport Bike commercial........ (MOTORCYCLE*) ...............!!!!!!BINGO!!!!!.............. 6 months later after being released from the hospital, I can safely say that particular stupid idea was flushed from the archive. Perhaps now is a good time to figure the tape measure into all of this. See a while back I had this Stanley Tape measure, it was in my honest opinion the King of all tape measures, a venerable Rolls Royce of belt hanging measuring devices. It was all shiny and chrome. Made from real cast pot metal, not like those cheap plastic imposters found nowadays in emporiums like Lowes or Home Depot that cater to the tool addicted. When I clipped that fine tape measuring instrument on my belt I felt like Bob Villa, the studly carpenter type who could throw up a house in an instant, or spit out custom made book shelves. When I looked in the mirror I saw the rough and tumble crafts man, even when I really looked more like the construction guy from the village people. Hey! Hey! Hey! Mach......But I digress....... Needless to say it was my favorite tape measure.

So when by accident while trying to measure something very important, as this tape measure was only used on a very important thing, so when by accident the tape got twisted and bent with a crease. When attempting to get the crease out I broke the blade and it retracted into the case.. ZZwwippp!. There were tears. I was devastated until I found out that being the crème de le crème of tape measures Stanley had replacement blades for sale that could replace the broken one. So being determined to restore it to it's former glory I managed to purge another stupid idea out of the repository. I took a screw driver and opened the tape measure.

Do you know how much coiled spring is required to retract a 25 foot tape measure blade into a case roughly 2 inches square? THWANG!!!!! It filled a small room. For a short while I thought that I would have to be extricated by the Jaws of Life. I'll spare you the horrifying details of what transpired next only to say that it took 4 hours and a box of band aids to get that spring coiled back into the tape measure case with a little left outside to attach the new blade to. Finally bloody hand and all I was off to the hardware store in order to purchase a replacement blade. I walk in and step up to the counter and the counter person behind, "Counter person I wish to purchase a replacement blade for a Stanley 25 foot tape measure!" The counter person replied "Did you bring the tape measure with you?" Yes I did I replied, and I handed the counter person the slightly bloodied tape measure.

He took the tape measure looked at it, pressed the blade locking button and .....Zzzwiipppp! The retracting spring sucked back into the case. He looked at the tape measure, I looked at the tape measure, He looked at me, I looked at the tape measure, we looked at each other, We both looked at the tape measure. I turned around and walk out of the hardware store to the side walk as let out a SCREAM that caused a near by woman to drop her groceries and a small dog to wet it's self. After a few deep breaths, I walked back into the store, went to the isle where they kept the nice Stanley tape measure and purchased a brand new one. I used a different counter person for the transaction.

I wish all of you here a merry Christmas and a great New Year. I wish that all of your stupid idea archives remain dormant, and you have a better next year.

Peter
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Last edited by pnevai : Today at 09:57 PM.

[Bob Reeves]

Peter,

Great story.. Have been known to access that dumb idea bank a time or two...

Also have a Stanley that I've cherished since the 60's, replaced the tape once sometime in the 80's but don't remember it being the ordeal you went through.

[Dick Fowler]

Peter... very funny!

The fact that women do not have this repository of stupid things section in their brain is because they will  need all the room they can get to store every stupid thing we do and will do.... and remind us of every single blunder we have made for the rest of our lives!

[Wayne Collier]

                                                     

[Paul Smith]

17th Century - no tools - employ a tradesman.
18th Century - one of a kind tools.
19th Century - interchanable parts.
20th Century - do yourself spare parts.
21st Century - no such thing as spare parts - just buy a new tool - or maybe just the end product.

[Wayne Collier]

In all honesty, I worked in construction for enough years to encounter a number of tape measure situations.  I did learn that if the blade broke on one that didn't have a lot of use on it it may be worth a replacement.  If the blade wore out, then the spring, the case, and  the lock were probably pretty well shot also.  On one job a man who often did fine trim and cabnetry work was using a folding wood rule.  A younger worker who was impressed with the device asked me where he could buy a "wood tape."

[Will Hinton]

Peter,
You gotta be a writer!  You are talented - at least as a writer, maybe not as a counter-person-chooser.
Blessings,
Will

[Jim Kraft]

Peter; That is so funny. I agree you should be a writer, and since the writers are on strike now, this might be a good time to jump in. Or, are you one of the writers that are on strike, and just needed an outlet for your creative juices.

I have played that same card over and over. In another life I was an electronics tech., and installed commercial 2-way radio equipment in vehicles. I used a Stanley tape measure for pulling wires through vehicle roof tops and firewalls and such, instead of the usual fish tape, which was probably 20 feet away and out of reach. This actually worked well as I would run the fish, er, tape measure up a post along side the windshield to the roof of the vehicle, tape the coax for the antenna to the tape, and pull it back through. You can guess how many times the said tape measure lodged itself on a weld joint, or some unknown spot, and became a permanent part of the vehicle itself.

Your story reminded me of the first time I tried to replace the rope starter on my power mower. That card never got used again.

[Bob Reeves]

Hey Jim, didn't know you were a two-way tech.. I spent almost 30 years in and around Motorola and privatly owned Motorola service centers. Last gig was managing the Tulsa Service Center. Motorola decided to get out of the service business and was offering a pretty good package to make me go away so I did...

[George]

I had a tape measure incident one time. It was a Craftsman 30' with the chrome case. When the blade broke, I took it back to Sears and went up to the counter person. He took it and explained that they did not make that exact model any more, then handed me the modern equivalent top-of-the-line Craftsman tape measure at no charge.

...guess I can't do that with my Ward's Power Craft guaranteed for life tools anymore. 

George

[Keith Spriggs]

 On one job a man who often did fine trim and cabnetry work was using a folding wood rule.  

When I started my carpenter apprenticeship in 1955, everyone I worked with used a wood folding rule. The "Cadillac" of folding rules was a glaziers rule which had a folding hook on one end. They also made some upscale rules wit slide extensions on both ends. Almost all rules were 6 foot long, however I once had an 8 foot ruler. Practically all rules were folding, but I had one that the wood sections slid apart. It worked OK as long as you made sure that each section was extended all the way to the stop. I had one of the first 25 foot wide blade tapes . It had a crank on the side instead of a retract spring. A first quality Stanley rule cost about 2 dollars. The last one I saw was 18 dollars. If you did not keep the joints of folding rule oiled they would wear out pretty quickly or catch as you were unfolding it and break.

[Jim Kraft]

Yeh Bob; I worked out of a Motorola service shop in Marysville Ks. for about 8 years. Traveled most of northern Ks. southern Neb., and north western Mo.. I got kind of tired of driving so much, and not being home to play with my models, as I worked about 65 hours a week in five days. So, I went to work for National Cooperative Refinery Assocation as a station engineer on the pipeline. They told me it would be 40 hrs. a week, and very little driving. A few years later, I was moved up to Instrument, Electrician, Mech. Back to driving, working long hours, and not being able to play with my models much. Such is life. So I retired a couple of years ago and am having the time of my life. I play with my models almost every day, and like today, looking out the window at the snow coming down, and thinking how nice it is to be in here looking out, instead of being out there in the snow at some pump station on the pipeline working on a valve motor, and about 3 hrs of driving to get home. Life is good.

[Steve Kientz]

Sometimes we witness other's stupid ideas and purge that idea from the vault. I still remeember in high school they had a electronics class teacher fill in for our small engines repair teacher( he had a severe wound from a home bandsaw). The sub was showing us how to grind valve seats using a electric drill and a valve seat grinding attachment. he couldn't figure out how to attach the stone to the drill, he just placed it in the valve seat. You should have seen us duck under our benches when he started the drill. The stone was bouncing off of everything. He tried several times,the last being when he wrapped his hand around the stone and proceeded to sand off several layers of skin. Needless to say he didn't teach that course anymore.