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Author Topic: Humor section?  (Read 73148 times)

Offline Dennis Leonhardi

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #650 on: April 25, 2022, 01:30:15 PM »
Humor is sometimes morbid ...
Think for yourself !  XXX might win the Nats, be an expert on designing, building, finishing, flying, tuning engines - but you might not wanna take tax advice from him.  Or consider his views on the climate to be fact ...

Offline Dwayne Donnelly

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #651 on: May 24, 2022, 07:34:19 AM »
 ;D
My purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Offline kevin king

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #652 on: May 29, 2022, 08:07:25 PM »

Offline Dwayne Donnelly

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #653 on: May 31, 2022, 02:14:20 PM »
Yup, lol
My purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #654 on: May 31, 2022, 07:53:02 PM »

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #655 on: June 01, 2022, 05:48:17 PM »
This comedian says a lot of truth! ;D

Offline AMV

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #656 on: August 12, 2022, 08:31:54 AM »
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” the old cowboy said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know s#!t?”

 H^^
Spice is the variety of life.

Online Ken Culbertson

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #657 on: August 12, 2022, 07:05:26 PM »
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” the old cowboy said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know s#!t?”

 H^^
LL~ LL~ LL~
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If it is not broke you are not trying hard enough.
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Online Ken Culbertson

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #658 on: August 15, 2022, 12:13:21 PM »
The linguists among you might find this of some interest.  Smile.

 

GRAMMAR LESSON: Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished"?
 
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".   In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
 
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
 
Here is his astute answer:


 "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
 
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.
AMA 15382
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Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #659 on: August 15, 2022, 01:23:58 PM »
Texas Wind - I am constantly being criticized for missing the wind.  Maybe this is why!

Ken

A very strong downdraft would do exactly that. Somewhere nearby is a tornado, where the flags would be pointing at each other.  y1 Steve
"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #660 on: August 18, 2022, 01:41:35 PM »
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Granddad.
STOP THE FUNERAL!!!
I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #661 on: August 18, 2022, 02:45:09 PM »
Can't remember if I posted these so, just in case, here they are.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #662 on: August 18, 2022, 02:48:05 PM »
A few more!!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #663 on: August 18, 2022, 02:49:54 PM »
CONTINUED!!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #664 on: August 18, 2022, 02:55:34 PM »
Still laughing?

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #665 on: August 18, 2022, 02:57:42 PM »
MORE!!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #666 on: August 18, 2022, 04:35:36 PM »
Let's keep going!

Offline Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #667 on: August 21, 2022, 11:45:17 AM »
Robert, I dont know where you find all these things at, but KEEP IT UP!  They are hilarious!

Gary
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate mind

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #668 on: August 22, 2022, 05:40:22 AM »
Thanks, Gary!
More to come.

Bob Z.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #669 on: August 22, 2022, 01:18:09 PM »
Even though it is humor to some it is sad to me that 99% of it is true. D>K
John E. "DOC" Holliday
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Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #670 on: August 22, 2022, 01:37:44 PM »
Even though it is humor to some it is sad to me that 99% of it is true. D>K
The memes are the 20th Century nursery rhymes. Then, the chat circles were the various local taverns where the "conspiracy theorists" met. %^@

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #671 on: August 22, 2022, 06:55:44 PM »
Let's CHUCKLE!!   LL~  LL~

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #672 on: August 22, 2022, 07:21:56 PM »
!!!!!!!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #673 on: August 22, 2022, 07:25:12 PM »
 LL~  LL~  LL~  #^

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #674 on: August 26, 2022, 06:47:15 PM »
!!!!!

Offline Larry Renger

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #675 on: August 29, 2022, 04:25:43 PM »
Sorry, non political. We need a break!

One of life’s great puzzles:

They are the Three Musketeers. Why are there four of them and they only use swords?

😵‍💫
Think S.M.A.L.L. y'all and, it's all good, CL, FF and RC!

DesignMan
 BTW, Dracula Sucks!  A closed mouth gathers no feet!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #676 on: August 29, 2022, 04:29:19 PM »
OK, Larry - no politics!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #677 on: August 29, 2022, 04:33:14 PM »
More non-political!

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #678 on: August 29, 2022, 09:04:23 PM »
One of life’s great puzzles: They are the Three Musketeers. Why are there four of them and they only use swords? 😵‍💫
Because?
« Last Edit: August 29, 2022, 10:34:56 PM by GallopingGhostler »

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #679 on: August 30, 2022, 10:59:36 AM »
I like the one about the Cox parts. H^^
John E. "DOC" Holliday
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Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #680 on: September 01, 2022, 08:27:38 AM »
This is not funny, but some will laugh at it.  Down right scary. S?P
John E. "DOC" Holliday
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AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #681 on: September 01, 2022, 03:26:42 PM »
A few more funnies!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #682 on: September 01, 2022, 03:29:03 PM »
More!

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #683 on: September 01, 2022, 03:30:51 PM »
Want to see more?????

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #684 on: September 01, 2022, 04:36:06 PM »
Want to see more? ??? ?
I see a good number of those signs here in rural New Mexico.  :)! LL~

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #685 on: September 03, 2022, 09:54:48 PM »
Meals on Wheels

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”

The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”

God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #686 on: September 04, 2022, 08:16:17 PM »
A plane is on its way to Miami, when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Miami and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class, that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Miami and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First Class isn't going to Miami."

Offline Air Ministry .

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #687 on: September 08, 2022, 08:27:36 PM »

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #688 on: September 08, 2022, 10:09:54 PM »
We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization. — Gaius Petronius Arbiter, AD 27 - 66, Roman Courtier to Nero

Offline John Park

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #689 on: September 09, 2022, 07:37:42 AM »
;D
I can't help laughing every time I see a dog being walked on one of those extensible leads that end in what looks like a U-Reely handle!  To me, they're 'control-line dogs' - but so far, I've resisted the temptation to call out: "Let's see him do a square eight!".
You want to make 'em nice, else you get mad lookin' at 'em!

Offline John Park

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #690 on: September 10, 2022, 06:24:08 AM »
We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization. — Gaius Petronius Arbiter, AD 27 - 66, Roman Courtier to Nero
I have a book called: A Treasury of American Writers from Harper's Magazine.  This contains an article from the January 1957 Harper's, entitled Merrill's Marauders: The Truth about an Incredible Adventure, by Charlton Ogburn Jr., in which the following passage may be found: 'We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganised.  Presumably the plans for our employment were being changed.  I was to learn later in life that, perhaps because we are so good at organising, we tend as a nation to meet any new situation by reorganising; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization'.
Either Mr. Ogburn was a Latin scholar with a plagiaristic turn of mind, or (more likely) he was the true originator of this famous quote.  I'd love to know which is the case!
You want to make 'em nice, else you get mad lookin' at 'em!

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #691 on: September 10, 2022, 10:01:59 AM »
I have no idea into the authenticity of ownership of the quote. All instances I saw where quoted was attributed to the so called Roman statesman. It became prominent during the hay day of TQM - Total Quality Management. McDonnell Douglas Corp., Douglas Aircraft Co., 3855 Lakewood Blvd., Long Beach, CA 90807 attempted it back in the late 1980's, lost $330,000,000 in its first quarter implementing it. Management said it was the cost of doing business. HB~> 5 years later, they became a subsidiary of the Boeing Corp. n1

They went from over a dozen mainframe computers to 4, took away E-mailing privileges from all engineers except managers (I found it so convenient to E-mail someone in another department a question, then get a reply back later that day or next morning, telling them to visit, use the phone or use speed memos (the 3 part handwritten form), but then management told all us all that all they saw was a sea of people walking outside, to stop all unnecessary trips to others. They also liquidated the company store saying it was a waste of company and employee time to maintain. (Maintaining employee moral appeared to be a waste of money. The floggings will cease when employee morale improves. n~ )

Then the Federal Government attempted the same experiment about 10 years later. The problem in both cases was not the employees. Rather, it was how things are managed. That experiment failed as well.

Whoever wrote that statement, it is true. In both cases, the next statement became true:

https://www.mit.edu/people/dmredish/wwwMLRF/links/Humor/Administratium.html

Quote
Administratium - New chemical Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible [brain] damage, but results to date are not promising.

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #692 on: September 19, 2022, 02:05:00 PM »
Sign of the times (ref. Paul Craig Roberts, former Assistant Secretary of Treasury under President Regan)  %^@

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #693 on: September 19, 2022, 08:39:01 PM »
A question for reply #691.  Doesn't the the administratium have to have a brain or is what is supposed to be brain inert? ???
John E. "DOC" Holliday
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Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #694 on: September 27, 2022, 10:38:33 PM »
A question for reply #691.  Doesn't the the administratium have to have a brain or is what is supposed to be brain inert? ???
It was a humorous way to explain management and reorganization. An atom without any electrons (negative charge) or protons (positive charge) has only neutrons, which have no charge. It is a humorous way to explain how unproductive management grows.

Offline Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #695 on: September 28, 2022, 02:54:43 AM »
I have no idea into the authenticity of ownership of the quote. All instances I saw where quoted was attributed to the so called Roman statesman. It became prominent during the hay day of TQM - Total Quality Management. McDonnell Douglas Corp., Douglas Aircraft Co., 3855 Lakewood Blvd., Long Beach, CA 90807 attempted it back in the late 1980's, lost $330,000,000 in its first quarter implementing it. Management said it was the cost of doing business. HB~> 5 years later, they became a subsidiary of the Boeing Corp. n1

They went from over a dozen mainframe computers to 4, took away E-mailing privileges from all engineers except managers (I found it so convenient to E-mail someone in another department a question, then get a reply back later that day or next morning, telling them to visit, use the phone or use speed memos (the 3 part handwritten form), but then management told all us all that all they saw was a sea of people walking outside, to stop all unnecessary trips to others. They also liquidated the company store saying it was a waste of company and employee time to maintain. (Maintaining employee moral appeared to be a waste of money. The floggings will cease when employee morale improves. n~ )

Then the Federal Government attempted the same experiment about 10 years later. The problem in both cases was not the employees. Rather, it was how things are managed. That experiment failed as well.

Whoever wrote that statement, it is true. In both cases, the next statement became true:

https://www.mit.edu/people/dmredish/wwwMLRF/links/Humor/Administratium.html

Administratium - New chemical Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible [brain] damage, but results to date are not promising.

WOW!!!!  I cannot explain to you how perfectly descriptive this is of the place I work!  The name outside has changed 4 times in just the last 11-12 years, and every time those in charge become ever further removed from the reality of the production floor, and the new policies they implement get more absurd.  Where once we went 36 consecutive months with 100% on time delivery, the goal is now 97%, and we have not made that in a long time. And through it all, somehow, its always the fault of those who actually do the producing.  Never mind that, as we have tried to explain, it is now (at least) twice as hard physically to achieve the same result we did just 5-6 years ago because of the policies set forth from on high.
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate mind

Offline Steve_Pollock

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #696 on: October 01, 2022, 06:02:25 PM »
We've misunderstood lift for so long ...

Offline GallopingGhostler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #697 on: October 01, 2022, 09:30:27 PM »

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #698 on: October 02, 2022, 12:51:22 PM »
Just in!

Offline John Hammonds

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #699 on: October 02, 2022, 08:21:09 PM »
"Go big or Go home" reminded me of.....

TTFN
John.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.....
Fast, Cheap, Reliable - Choose any 2!
BMFA 165249


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