Humor section?

[john e. holliday]

Waiting for vigilantes to start forming again.  Hope hard ware stores have enough rope.

[Gary Dowler]

Bob I get it.....but......that really is more disturbing than funny.....The capitol of Texas, Austin, city council voted to defund police......Texas!!!

Ant they said if we got concealed guns Texas would be like wild wild west.......seems to me the left is hustling that potential reality along

Fred, the anti gun crowds have said this for years. In the 80’s when Florida legalized concealed carry I recall the news stories proclaiming that Miami was going to become the OK Corral.

It never happens the way the left says, and it doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, they just don’t understand reality.

Arm the people and crime always declines. The criminal does not fear the law, they do not fear the police and they do not fear the courts, so they must be taught to fear you. Only the uncertainty of not knowing if the homeowner on the other side of the door is armed, and if entry will seriously jeopardize their life, will ever truly keep them at
bay.

Gary

[Perry Rose]

https://www.facebook.com/HERMANcomics/photos/a.325873394147016/3132907960110198/

[Andre Ming]

It never happens the way the left says, and it doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, they just don’t understand reality.

True, that.

Andre

[Dwayne Donnelly]

https://www.gocomics.com/spectickles/2020/06/18?ct=v&cti=1867520

[john e. holliday]

Fred, the anti gun crowds have said this for years. In the 80’s when Florida legalized concealed carry I recall the news stories proclaiming that Miami was going to become the OK Corral.

It never happens the way the left says, and it doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, they just don’t understand reality.

Arm the people and crime always declines. The criminal does not fear the law, they do not fear the police and they do not fear the courts, so they must be taught to fear you. Only the uncertainty of not knowing if the homeowner on the other side of the door is armed, and if entry will seriously jeopardize their life, will ever truly keep them at
bay.

Gary

So true about not knowing if the intended victim is armed or not.   I remember a story of a young girl home alone when a couple of thugs started to break into the house.  She ran up stairs to where her dad kept the shot guns and were loaded.  Yes she was trained on the use of them.  When she got the guns and to the top of the stairs the thugs had broke in.  One stated up the stairs and was immediately shot.  The second one made it back to the front door when the second shot was made.  Then she called the local sheriff as this was out in the country.  Naturally the defense lawyers wanted her tried for attempted murder as the one in the house was dead and the other was out side with his legs mangled up from the shot.   Some how her Dad got a good lawyer and got her cleared of all charges.  The thug that lost the use of his legs got a couple of years for attempted robbery/break in.  But, I want to see what these idiots are going to do when they need a police man and the officers say you are on your own for not supporting us.  But, I guess the defense lawyers have to make a living making the police look bad when a person dies while resisting arrest.   I think they must be guilty if they don't want to be arrested.  How many policemen have to die before the public wakes up to the fact they are trying to do their job.

[Air Ministry .]

[Air Ministry .]

FREEDOM OF THE PRESS ! .

The media can be turds, too.

You might notice the reporter was assulting the fisherman with his presence, and helicopter . Not to mention disturbing the fish. !

[Perry Rose]

If women are so good at multitasking how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

[Dwayne Donnelly]

If women are so good at multitasking how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Now that's a good question. 

[Robert Zambelli]

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? ‘
The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .’
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’

[Robert Zambelli]

A man visits a friend and in the driveway he sees friend’s car that’s all dented, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”

“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into my ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.”

“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”

“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

[Robert Zambelli]

Arriving In Heaven All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine if admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs records of what each applicant did on their last day of life.The first day’s applicant explains that his last day was not good.

"I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and the shower was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was angry and bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by an awning. Seeing him still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day you was his worst. "I was on an apartment building roof working on AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but landed on an awning and survived. But, as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. The clerk apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest . . .

[Robert Zambelli]

An angry wife calls her husband who is late for dinner and yells to the phone, “Where the hell are you?”

Husband replies, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and blushing, replies sweetly, “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband says, “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

[Robert Zambelli]

So true!!

[Will Hinton]

Bob, THAT is the classic of the century!

[john e. holliday]

Police profiling?

Bottom line did not come up on picture.  The bear is asking if he would be stopped if he was a Polar Bear?

[Robert Zambelli]

Some GREAT PUNS!!!!!

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
8. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
9. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse?' It’s not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight-loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

[Gary Dowler]

Know why dinosaurs were so dangerous?

All the T-Rex’s carried small arms......

Gary

[Robert Zambelli]

A good one!

[Robert Zambelli]

MORE!

[Dwayne Donnelly]

https://www.gocomics.com/peanuts-begins/2020/09/05?ct=v&cti=1867520

[Dan Hay]

I came across this 50 years ago.

[Dan Hay]

Again, from 50 years ago

[John Hammonds]

.

[kevin king]

[Steve Helmick]

Please, God, hold off on the Comet and Alien Attack!

[Robert Zambelli]

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",  "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's submissions:   

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

[Perry Rose]

[Robert Zambelli]

A few good ones!

[Air Ministry .]

[Robert Zambelli]

OUCH!!!!!

A little beer and some philosophic musings

I mowed the lawn today,

 and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some

 deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an

age old question: is giving birth more painful than

 getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful

 than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer,

and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer

 to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than

 having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,

 "it might be nice to have another child."

 On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,

"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

 

 

 

[Robert Zambelli]

A few good laughs!!

[FLOYD CARTER]

Puns are Fun!  More suitable for the Humor Section than cheap shots at politicians

[Robert Zambelli]

This  cracks me up!

[john e. holliday]

As it says.

[john e. holliday]

And some times during the night.

[Dwayne Donnelly]

This  cracks me up!

 

[Steve Helmick]

"Life After Quarantine" video on YT.     Steve   




Edit: IDK how the video got changed to that Buddy Hackett duck joke, but the "Life After Quarantine" was there originally.

[john e. holliday]

The cartoon video made me laugh.  I've lost some weight because I didn't lock my self in the house.  When my body let me I went flying,  mowed the yard and tried to stay active even going to daughters place so we could have Church on line plus have dinner together

[FLOYD CARTER]

I've copied all the "puns".  Now I'll memorize a few to pull out whenever the time is right.

[Air Ministry .]

An extreme modification of the collapsible Kolesnikov model without finishing for a 9.5 cube bushing motor.
At that time, the model combined such innovations as a fuselage molded in a matrix and boots (classic sandwich fiberglass balsa fiberglass), along with an all-balsa stabilizer and flaps pulled by a Japanese woman, otherwise everything was according to the classics of inlaid models, wing and fuselage connectors like Salenek.

Im sure theyll work very well .

[Steve Helmick]

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house and told my cat. We laughed a lot.
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars and keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
12. Appropriate analogy. "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”
13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and asking for money.
14. The spread of COVID-19 is based on 2 things:
o How dense the population is.
o How dense the population is.

[Larry Renger]

Excellent! 

[Ken Culbertson]

Good one Steve.

[Steve Helmick]

Matt's post was extremely funny, if you got as far as  "all-balsa stabilizer and flaps pulled by a Japanese woman"...coffee out the nose funny!

I suppose he used Google Translate, which is nearly useless when discussing anything more technical than washing your socks. That's why I don't bother with foreign language modelling websites or FB pages. I would be interested in seeing pictures of this "Japanese woman", unless the details are pixilated.    Steve

[Peter Grabenstein]

a Pilot´s story and Cinderella or Rindercella ?   

[Steve Helmick]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people  cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[Scott Richlen]

I saw a guy walking down the street the other day but he only had one shoe on.

So, I says: "what happened?  Did you lose your shoe?"

He says: " No, I just found this one"

[john e. holliday]

Brain