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Author Topic: Humor section?  (Read 4308 times)

Offline Dwayne Donnelly

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Humor section?
« on: June 27, 2018, 08:36:30 AM »
Did we not used to have a humor section here?
Any way saw this on Facebook and had to post it here. <=
My purpose in life is to serve as warning to others

 maac 44334


Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2018, 06:35:21 PM »
Stuka Stunt Works Forum has a humor section. Stunt Hangar is for serious Stunt stuff.  ;) Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline skyshark58

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2018, 01:25:55 PM »
Batman
mike potter

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2018, 07:55:29 AM »
Something for hunters.   
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Bob Hunt

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2018, 08:34:27 AM »
What? You don't think some of the battles that go on here are not humorous?  n~

Bob Hunt

Offline FLOYD CARTER

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2018, 11:15:33 AM »
Any serious collector of antiques or "vintage" stuff knows the market, and they know the real value of things they are looking for.

People who try to sell things when they know nothing about the item are just "blowing in the wind".  A waste of time.
"Growing old is easy.
 Staying old is hard"
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Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2018, 12:19:20 PM »
JOKE OF THE DAY: A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Jim Kraft

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2018, 12:54:31 PM »
The kids were in the lunch line at the Catholic school. At the head of the line was a large bowl of apples. A sign read, take only one, God is watching. At the end of the lunch line was a large platter of chocolate chip cookies. One of he kids had made a note and put by the cookies. Take all you want, God is watching the apples.
Jim Kraft

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2018, 01:17:30 PM »
"Stuka Stunt Works Forum has a humor section. Stunt Hangar is for serious Stunt stuff.   Steve"

Now that was funny!

Ken
[/quote

Thank ya, thank ya very much. It was intended to be good for a giggle.  H^^ Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2018, 04:35:20 PM »
 

Watch it if you dare, it may bring back powerful memories.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2018, 03:27:09 PM »
While his wife was fighting with a 4 foot Gar fish my son was busy catching the real trophy.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10216314089790855&set=p.10216314089790855&type=3
4th of July weekend at Lake Chicot, Ar.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2018, 05:16:11 AM »
The link worked for me.
 
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Online Ken Culbertson

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2018, 06:29:55 AM »
The link worked for me.
Still get the error.  Must be Facebook thing.  No biggie, must be an inside joke!
« Last Edit: July 10, 2018, 11:14:20 AM by Ken Culbertson »
AMA 15382

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Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2018, 11:02:30 AM »
Still same results for me.  Error messages. HB~>
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Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2018, 06:00:26 PM »
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10216314089790855&set=p.10216314089790855&type=3&theater
Try this one.


I still couldn't get the link to work. But I did learn something. "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

LL~ Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2018, 05:16:41 AM »
It's a picture of a 5 foot high first place cook off trophy my son hooked into and landed at the same time his wife was landing the alligator gar. I guess the winner wanted money instead.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #20 on: July 20, 2018, 08:48:46 AM »
A dog and a cat are in Heaven sitting on a cloud. Both have on the white pull over and wings. The dog says to the cat, "I still hate you".
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Online Ken Culbertson

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #21 on: July 20, 2018, 11:02:13 AM »
It's a picture of a 5 foot high first place cook off trophy my son hooked into and landed at the same time his wife was landing the alligator gar. I guess the winner wanted money instead.
Actually it was the gar fighting back for stealing it's trophy!
AMA 15382

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Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #24 on: July 21, 2018, 12:15:05 PM »
25 posts and still nothing by some members who have keen and pretty witty sense of humor....poo

JOKE OF THE DAY: Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said.
"You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Dwayne Donnelly

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #26 on: July 28, 2018, 01:01:51 PM »
I forgot I started this thread.  n~ <= Thanks for the replies  #^ y1
My purpose in life is to serve as warning to others

 maac 44334

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #27 on: July 28, 2018, 02:04:40 PM »
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just @#$% your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).


That day changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Mike Haverly

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #28 on: July 28, 2018, 09:10:24 PM »
I got this birthday card in March.  It was from my daughter, I think there's a message here. 

I don't get it :'(
Mike

Offline Bobs your Uncle

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #29 on: July 28, 2018, 09:31:53 PM »
Did we not used to have a humor section here?
Any way saw this on Facebook and had to post it here. <=

I just look 👀  out for howards posts

Offline Don Coe

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #30 on: July 29, 2018, 06:50:28 AM »
Wonderful story.  Many chuckles.  Thanks for starting my day with a laugh!  LL~

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #31 on: July 29, 2018, 02:44:40 PM »
Fred V. I'm still laughing as I read the story.  Didn't your Dad tell you never grad any electrical wire even if you are guaranteed its unplugged?   My Dad said always touch the back of the hand to the wire first.  That is how he checked the generator on the tractor as I would crank it.   Nothing like a dead battery. H^^
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Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #34 on: July 29, 2018, 09:18:51 PM »
He wouldn't fall for it.
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Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2018, 04:55:04 PM »
https://www.facebook.com/HERMANcomics/photos/a.325873394147016.80622.284901738244182/2005441622856843/?type=3

"Oh baby you knoooooooow what I like".  According to the Big Bopper anyway.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Online GERALD WIMMER

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2018, 05:28:07 PM »
Hello
Roger Ramjet yes still enjoy these now and perfect for waking up my sons Otto and Max so they don't miss the school bus in the morning it always get them up and watching in seconds.


If you watch you will see how some episodes are still relevant over 50 years on.

Regards Gerald


Offline Motorman

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #38 on: August 11, 2018, 06:51:04 AM »
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The interrupting cow
The interrup
Mooooo
There will be a sunny day and we will fly our airplanes.

Offline Matt Spencer

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #39 on: August 18, 2018, 07:59:00 PM »

Offline Mike Griffin

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #40 on: August 18, 2018, 08:14:34 PM »
Here you go

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Dan Berry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #43 on: August 26, 2018, 08:17:47 AM »
A guys gives his wife a wrapped present.
She opens the present. Inside the package are 12 pairs of panties-all the same style and color.

She looks and says "what's this?"
He says with a look "panties"

She says " But, uhhhh, they're all the same color and style!"
He shrugs and says "and...….?"

She says " well, people will think that I never change my underwear"
He says   " uhhhhhh…… which people?"

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #44 on: August 26, 2018, 12:16:18 PM »
Yeah, which?
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #45 on: August 26, 2018, 12:29:07 PM »
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

 Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline kevin king

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #46 on: August 26, 2018, 06:15:02 PM »
Heeee! That's funny cuz his leash is a CL handle and a set of lines.😂

Offline Bootlegger

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #47 on: August 27, 2018, 02:59:58 PM »

Here is another, A couple are in the movie theater, and the wife say's "I just let a silent fart out" what should I do? The husband say's "get new batteries for your hearing aid"...
8th Air Force Veteran
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Offline Dan Berry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #48 on: August 27, 2018, 07:02:57 PM »
A priest, a rabbi and a hippopotamus walk into a bar.
The bartender says " What is this? A joke?"

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #49 on: August 29, 2018, 10:18:49 AM »
Bartenders will do that.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #50 on: August 31, 2018, 11:50:30 AM »
I thought these were hilarious. You're entitled to disagree, but I don't want to hear about it!   n1 Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Jim Kraft

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #51 on: September 01, 2018, 08:51:03 PM »
Once upon a time there was a king, king Arthur, who strayed to far from his kingdom, and got captured by another kings army, and was taken to the foreign king. The king told King Arthur that they were going to kill him unless he could answer a question that no one in his kingdom knew the answer to. He said He would let King Arthur go back to his kingdom for one year. Then if he did not have the answer, they would kill him. So King Arthur asked, what is the question. The king said that no one in his kingdom knew what women want.

So King Arthur went around his own kingdom and no one knew what women want. But some one said there was an old witch that knew the answer. Well, the King said, I can not go to a witch for the answer, but it got down to two days, and he decided he better ask her.

So He went to the witch and asked her, what do women want? She said she knew the answer, but she would only tell him if he had Sir Lancelot marry her. Well, Sir lancelot heard and said he would do any thing to save his king, and he would marry the witch.

So, King Arthur asked the witch, what do women want? The witch replied, they want their own way.

So King Arthur went and told the foreign king the answer and they were glad to hear it and let King Arthur go free.

But, now, Sir Lancelot had to marry the witch. She was really really ugly. She was all bent over with only on tooth, and her hair looked like she used motor oil on it, and she smelled like a garbage can.

On their wedding day he was not looking forward to going in to his house. But when he went in there was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. He asked, what happened? She replied, you gave me my own way and so i became beautiful.

The moral of the story is, if you do not give women their own way things are going to get ugly.
Jim Kraft

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline kevin king

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #53 on: September 03, 2018, 07:24:16 AM »
.

Offline kevin king

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #54 on: September 04, 2018, 05:22:21 AM »
.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #55 on: September 05, 2018, 09:13:35 PM »
Red Chevy
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
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Offline Dan Berry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #56 on: September 06, 2018, 08:48:52 PM »
A guy is taking his best girl to the prom. He waits in the ticket line for a very long but he gets the necessary tickets. He goes to rent a limo but the line is exceedingly. Eventually he succeeds in securing a limo for the big night. He goes to the florist for flowers. Again there is a long line but he gets the needed flowers. At the prom his date askes him to get a glass of punch. He goes to refreshment table and is there is no punch line.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #57 on: September 07, 2018, 11:29:47 AM »
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback He scouted and scouted but couldn't find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as a great football hero and the MVP, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mom," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.”


"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.........."I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Robert Zambelli

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KNOW YOUR TOOLS!!!
« Reply #58 on: September 12, 2018, 02:00:56 PM »
I know that  you have most of these in your shops.
But, do you really know what to do with them?
Here are the answers.
THANKS, Mike Keville

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the  tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading (apart from the first bit).

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 80 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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A quiz for you!
« Reply #59 on: September 12, 2018, 03:22:28 PM »
1923, Who was:
 
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.
Now, 95 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
 
 
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide

However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was  Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:
 
Screw work. Play golf.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #60 on: September 12, 2018, 04:04:51 PM »
Some weird ones!   LL~  LL~  LL~

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #61 on: September 23, 2018, 01:11:33 PM »
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #62 on: October 06, 2018, 12:17:47 PM »
Leave it to Aunt Bea for her wisdom
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
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Online TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #63 on: October 06, 2018, 06:10:12 PM »
A Termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #64 on: October 06, 2018, 06:14:34 PM »
A big Grizzly bear walks into a bar and grill and says to the bartender,  "I'll have a beer and............       



..............a hot dog please." 

The bartender says "Why the big pause?"

The bear says "I'm a bear."
« Last Edit: October 06, 2018, 07:02:54 PM by TigreST »
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #65 on: October 06, 2018, 08:36:08 PM »
This is for Tony....  VD~ Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #66 on: October 07, 2018, 12:42:10 PM »
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique that has been recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.




7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Liberal you are holding underwater.
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline John Hammonds

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #67 on: October 08, 2018, 09:34:59 AM »
This is how I feel most of the time.  n~
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.....
Fast, Cheap, Reliable - Choose any 2!
BMFA 165249

Offline Dan Berry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #68 on: October 08, 2018, 09:44:45 PM »
2 eggs, bacon and hashbrowns walk into a bar
The bartender says ' Get out ! We don't serve breakfast!'

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2018, 05:07:15 AM »
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Online TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #70 on: October 10, 2018, 10:37:15 AM »
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."




Steve, good thing I'm not a Maple Leaf fan, but that's still a good one!
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #71 on: October 11, 2018, 12:07:25 AM »
My wife yeah....  My wifes cookin' ...was so bad......the flies chipped in to fix the screen door...yeah!

« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 04:54:22 AM by TigreST »
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Online Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #72 on: October 11, 2018, 01:17:43 AM »
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique that has been recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.




7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Liberal you are holding underwater.
Now that there is FUNNY!!!!!! LL~  LL~ LL~
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate mind

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #73 on: October 11, 2018, 07:01:39 PM »

 
 DIVORCE HEARING IN KENTUCKY…


A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Kentucky, but the custody of their three children posed a problem.

The mother said since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.  After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine ?"


DON'T LAUGH . . .  HE WON!   H^^ Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #74 on: October 11, 2018, 07:35:19 PM »


An Elderly Lady's Prayer

A friend reports hearing a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to him
saying a prayer.  It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to
share it with you:

"Dear Lord:

The last four or five years have been very tough.

You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress -
Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author
- Tom Clancy; and now, my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan
Rivers.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are: Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Shumer, Maxine
Waters, Elizabeth Warren and Harry Reid, and I also have a special place
in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's
mayor, Rahm Emanuel.

Amen."
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #75 on: October 17, 2018, 05:20:22 AM »
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend on the trail???
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Gerald Arana

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #77 on: Yesterday at 07:05:54 AM »
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend on the trail???

Yes, I did.

Now did you hear when they started to eat a fellow and one said" You start at the feet and I'll start at the head"?

After a while the one at the head said "How are you doing" and the other one said 'I'm having a ball".

Then the first one said "Slow down, you're eating to fast"


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