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  • October 23, 2018, 12:26:03 AM

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Author Topic: Humor section?  (Read 4307 times)

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #50 on: August 31, 2018, 11:50:30 AM »
I thought these were hilarious. You're entitled to disagree, but I don't want to hear about it!   n1 Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.


Offline Jim Kraft

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #51 on: September 01, 2018, 08:51:03 PM »
Once upon a time there was a king, king Arthur, who strayed to far from his kingdom, and got captured by another kings army, and was taken to the foreign king. The king told King Arthur that they were going to kill him unless he could answer a question that no one in his kingdom knew the answer to. He said He would let King Arthur go back to his kingdom for one year. Then if he did not have the answer, they would kill him. So King Arthur asked, what is the question. The king said that no one in his kingdom knew what women want.

So King Arthur went around his own kingdom and no one knew what women want. But some one said there was an old witch that knew the answer. Well, the King said, I can not go to a witch for the answer, but it got down to two days, and he decided he better ask her.

So He went to the witch and asked her, what do women want? She said she knew the answer, but she would only tell him if he had Sir Lancelot marry her. Well, Sir lancelot heard and said he would do any thing to save his king, and he would marry the witch.

So, King Arthur asked the witch, what do women want? The witch replied, they want their own way.

So King Arthur went and told the foreign king the answer and they were glad to hear it and let King Arthur go free.

But, now, Sir Lancelot had to marry the witch. She was really really ugly. She was all bent over with only on tooth, and her hair looked like she used motor oil on it, and she smelled like a garbage can.

On their wedding day he was not looking forward to going in to his house. But when he went in there was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. He asked, what happened? She replied, you gave me my own way and so i became beautiful.

The moral of the story is, if you do not give women their own way things are going to get ugly.
Jim Kraft

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline kevin king

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #53 on: September 03, 2018, 07:24:16 AM »
.

Offline kevin king

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #54 on: September 04, 2018, 05:22:21 AM »
.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #55 on: September 05, 2018, 09:13:35 PM »
Red Chevy
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530

Offline Dan Berry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #56 on: September 06, 2018, 08:48:52 PM »
A guy is taking his best girl to the prom. He waits in the ticket line for a very long but he gets the necessary tickets. He goes to rent a limo but the line is exceedingly. Eventually he succeeds in securing a limo for the big night. He goes to the florist for flowers. Again there is a long line but he gets the needed flowers. At the prom his date askes him to get a glass of punch. He goes to refreshment table and is there is no punch line.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #57 on: September 07, 2018, 11:29:47 AM »
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback He scouted and scouted but couldn't find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as a great football hero and the MVP, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mom," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.”


"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!”
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.........."I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Robert Zambelli

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KNOW YOUR TOOLS!!!
« Reply #58 on: September 12, 2018, 02:00:56 PM »
I know that  you have most of these in your shops.
But, do you really know what to do with them?
Here are the answers.
THANKS, Mike Keville

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the  tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading (apart from the first bit).

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 80 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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A quiz for you!
« Reply #59 on: September 12, 2018, 03:22:28 PM »
1923, Who was:
 
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.
Now, 95 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
 
 
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide

However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was  Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:
 
Screw work. Play golf.

Offline Robert Zambelli

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #60 on: September 12, 2018, 04:04:51 PM »
Some weird ones!   LL~  LL~  LL~

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #61 on: September 23, 2018, 01:11:33 PM »
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #62 on: October 06, 2018, 12:17:47 PM »
Leave it to Aunt Bea for her wisdom
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
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Online TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #63 on: October 06, 2018, 06:10:12 PM »
A Termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #64 on: October 06, 2018, 06:14:34 PM »
A big Grizzly bear walks into a bar and grill and says to the bartender,  "I'll have a beer and............       



..............a hot dog please." 

The bartender says "Why the big pause?"

The bear says "I'm a bear."
« Last Edit: October 06, 2018, 07:02:54 PM by TigreST »
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #65 on: October 06, 2018, 08:36:08 PM »
This is for Tony....  VD~ Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #66 on: October 07, 2018, 12:42:10 PM »
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique that has been recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.




7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Liberal you are holding underwater.
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline John Hammonds

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #67 on: October 08, 2018, 09:34:59 AM »
This is how I feel most of the time.  n~
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.....
Fast, Cheap, Reliable - Choose any 2!
BMFA 165249

Offline Dan Berry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #68 on: October 08, 2018, 09:44:45 PM »
2 eggs, bacon and hashbrowns walk into a bar
The bartender says ' Get out ! We don't serve breakfast!'

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2018, 05:07:15 AM »
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Online TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #70 on: October 10, 2018, 10:37:15 AM »
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."




Steve, good thing I'm not a Maple Leaf fan, but that's still a good one!
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Online TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #71 on: October 11, 2018, 12:07:25 AM »
My wife yeah....  My wifes cookin' ...was so bad......the flies chipped in to fix the screen door...yeah!

« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 04:54:22 AM by TigreST »
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Online Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #72 on: October 11, 2018, 01:17:43 AM »
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique that has been recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.




7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Liberal you are holding underwater.
Now that there is FUNNY!!!!!! LL~  LL~ LL~
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate mind

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #73 on: October 11, 2018, 07:01:39 PM »

 
 DIVORCE HEARING IN KENTUCKY…


A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Kentucky, but the custody of their three children posed a problem.

The mother said since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.  After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine ?"


DON'T LAUGH . . .  HE WON!   H^^ Steve
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #74 on: October 11, 2018, 07:35:19 PM »


An Elderly Lady's Prayer

A friend reports hearing a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to him
saying a prayer.  It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to
share it with you:

"Dear Lord:

The last four or five years have been very tough.

You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress -
Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author
- Tom Clancy; and now, my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan
Rivers.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are: Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Shumer, Maxine
Waters, Elizabeth Warren and Harry Reid, and I also have a special place
in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's
mayor, Rahm Emanuel.

Amen."
In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.

In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." General Mattis.

Offline Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #75 on: October 17, 2018, 05:20:22 AM »
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend on the trail???
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.

Offline Gerald Arana

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #77 on: Yesterday at 07:05:54 AM »
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend on the trail???

Yes, I did.

Now did you hear when they started to eat a fellow and one said" You start at the feet and I'll start at the head"?

After a while the one at the head said "How are you doing" and the other one said 'I'm having a ball".

Then the first one said "Slow down, you're eating to fast"


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