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Author Topic: Humor section?  (Read 73139 times)

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #100 on: November 28, 2018, 10:45:38 AM »
Some body complaining and I'm one of the old drivers.   Too many close calls and nothing like getting stopped for a brake light not working or for not signalling that you are moving into the right turn lane. ???
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Online Perry Rose

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I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #102 on: December 02, 2018, 01:35:12 PM »
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 aluminum pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.

I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a “RESIST” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.

"I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Will Hinton

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #103 on: December 02, 2018, 03:06:04 PM »
Fred, you just won the contest! LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ H^^ H^^ n~ n~ n~
John 5:24   www.fcmodelers.com

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #104 on: December 02, 2018, 07:12:39 PM »
Yep, way to go Fred. LL~ LL~ LL~
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #105 on: December 02, 2018, 10:37:14 PM »
Some body complaining and I'm one of the old drivers.   Too many close calls and nothing like getting stopped for a brake light not working or for not signalling that you are moving into the right turn lane. ???

The attachment is for Unkle Jimby specifically (we had an argument about it at Clovis one year) and many other Californians. Legend has it that turn signals (blinkers) are an optional extra from the manufacturers, but I have not been able to confirm that. Please note the "ID-10T" specification. VD~ Steve
"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

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I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Online Perry Rose

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The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Online Perry Rose

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #109 on: December 18, 2018, 01:27:17 PM »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Saskatchewan back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #110 on: December 18, 2018, 01:30:11 PM »
A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you?
You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace?

I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters right next door to it."
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

Offline qaz049

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #111 on: December 18, 2018, 02:58:52 PM »
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 aluminum pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.

I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a “RESIST” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.

"I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.

Reminds me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=YfXwLi847-w

Online Perry Rose

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I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline Fredvon4

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #113 on: December 19, 2018, 12:38:40 PM »
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

And here is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
"A good scare teaches more than good advice"

Fred von Gortler IV

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I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Online Perry Rose

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I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Online Perry Rose

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The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.


Offline Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #118 on: December 31, 2018, 06:22:51 PM »
Why do Storm Troopers only carry I phones ??

Because they can never find the Droid they are looking for!!
 LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~

Gary
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate mind

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #119 on: January 01, 2019, 11:40:15 AM »
If you want real humor, listen to the politicians make their speeches depending on where they are speaking.   Almost 90% of them contradict themselves.   To bad we can't hold them accountable.    S?P
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Offline Will Hinton

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #120 on: January 01, 2019, 03:07:16 PM »
Sorry Doc, old friend, but I can't find a single thing amusing about any politicians during this age.  There just ain't nuthin funny happening there.
John 5:24   www.fcmodelers.com

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #121 on: January 02, 2019, 09:26:25 AM »
What's funny to me is how they contradict them selves and nobody catches on. D>K
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Offline Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #122 on: January 02, 2019, 10:18:42 AM »
What's funny to me is how they contradict them selves and nobody catches on. D>K
i catch on, and frequently it takes me a few minutes after arriving home to pry my teeth out of the steering wheel again after my anger boils over, again
Gary
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Offline Will Hinton

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #123 on: January 02, 2019, 02:37:19 PM »
I have to wrestle my right hand away from my Glock.
John 5:24   www.fcmodelers.com

Offline Steve Helmick

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The Christmas Drone....
« Reply #124 on: January 07, 2019, 01:02:24 AM »
Got this for Christmas.  LL~ Steve




"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #125 on: January 07, 2019, 01:06:28 AM »
Latest information is that it needs to be push-started. Who knew?   ??? Steve
"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

Offline TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #126 on: January 07, 2019, 05:27:18 AM »
I think you have to “sit on it and rotate” Fonzi.
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #127 on: January 08, 2019, 11:54:28 AM »
Found this at local Ace Hardware.   Works great for patching planes at the field.
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #128 on: January 08, 2019, 01:00:34 PM »
Can anybody tell me what size these are? Tony? I need some just like them!  #^ Steve
"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

Offline TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #129 on: January 09, 2019, 03:17:35 AM »
Can anybody tell me what size these are? Tony? I need some just like them!  #^ Steve

I don't know about size Steve,..but they are certainly not tube(top)less! H^^
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

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I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #131 on: January 13, 2019, 08:37:49 AM »
The malady "Asstrophobia" is when the nerves that run between the eye and the rectum get crossed up and you have a poopy outlook on life.
I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline Gerald Arana

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #132 on: January 13, 2019, 09:29:49 AM »
The malady "Asstrophobia" is when the nerves that run between the eye and the rectum get crossed up and you have a poopy outlook on life.

Now that was funny! LMAO!

Jerry

Offline TigreST

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #133 on: January 13, 2019, 09:45:44 AM »
The malady "Asstrophobia" is when the nerves that run between the eye and the rectum get crossed up and you have a poopy outlook on life.

I thought that was called Anal-rectal-eyetist?
Tony Bagley
Ontario, Canada

Offline Herman Green

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #134 on: January 13, 2019, 10:13:51 PM »

My doctor said that malady was "Optirectumy"!
Herman Green - 164164

Offline Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #135 on: January 13, 2019, 10:22:22 PM »
I thought that was called Anal-rectal-eyetist?

THAT there is funny stuff!!!!! LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~
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Offline wwwarbird

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #136 on: January 13, 2019, 10:22:41 PM »
Can anybody tell me what size these are?   #^ Steve

 I don't know, but one is slightly bigger than the other. I've also heard that's true of all of them.  D>K
Narrowly averting disaster since 1964! 

Wayne Willey
Albert Lea, MN U.S.A. IC C/L Aircraft Modeler, Ex AMA member

Offline wwwarbird

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #137 on: January 13, 2019, 10:24:32 PM »
Found this at local Ace Hardware.   Works great for patching planes at the field.

 Ha!  LL~
Narrowly averting disaster since 1964! 

Wayne Willey
Albert Lea, MN U.S.A. IC C/L Aircraft Modeler, Ex AMA member

Online Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #138 on: January 16, 2019, 06:08:31 AM »
I was driving down a lonely road
on a dark and stormy night.
When a little girl by the roadside
showed up in my headlights.
I stopped and she got in back,
and in a shaky tone,
she said my name is Mary,
vice squad,
and your under arrest for transporting
chickens across state lines for immoral purposes.

(Sorry Mac)
I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #139 on: January 19, 2019, 09:09:38 AM »
Courtesy of Charles Johnson.
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.

Offline Gerald Arana

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #140 on: January 19, 2019, 09:26:40 AM »
I was driving down a lonely road
on a dark and stormy night.
When a little girl by the roadside
showed up in my headlights.
I stopped and she got in back,
and in a shaky tone,
she said my name is Mary,
vice squad,
and your under arrest for transporting
chickens across state lines for immoral purposes.

(Sorry Mac)

I don't get it. I think you left something out.............(?)

Jerry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #141 on: January 19, 2019, 11:44:01 AM »
It's an old Mac Wiseman song that I changed a bit.   
I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Online Perry Rose

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #142 on: January 19, 2019, 12:08:12 PM »
I may be wrong but I doubt it.
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight even if she had a chance to win.
The worst part of growing old is remembering when you were young.

Offline Gerald Arana

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #143 on: January 19, 2019, 01:25:42 PM »
It's an old Mac Wiseman song that I changed a bit.   

Oh.


Hate to see you change it alot!  y1

Jerry

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #144 on: January 19, 2019, 09:56:16 PM »
Speaking of Groucho;  I remember a TV show a long time ago.  Groucho had as guest a woman from Zagreb.  She reported she had 6 (or was that 8) children.

Groucho asked "Why do you have so many?"

She said, "I enjoy children."

Groucho:  "Well, I enjoy my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

The laughter was maybe the longest in TV history.
89 years, but still going (sort of)
AMA #796  SAM #188  LSF #020

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #145 on: January 22, 2019, 12:03:45 PM »
By popular request.....  D>K Steve
"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

Offline Steve Helmick

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #146 on: January 22, 2019, 05:31:56 PM »
HOME INVASION:

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. Man started sobbing and said,

“You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
"The United States has become a place where professional athletes and entertainers are mistaken for people of importance." - Robert Heinlein

In 1944 18-20 year old's stormed beaches, and parachuted behind enemy lines to almost certain death.  In 2015 18-20 year old's need safe zones so people don't hurt their feelings.

Offline Will Hinton

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #147 on: January 22, 2019, 07:24:47 PM »
Thanks a bunch, Steve!  Now I'll have a hard time going to sleep tonight and my wife is gonna want to know what I'm laughing about!  You probably just got me in trouble and cost me a good night's sleep
Seriously, THAT is one of the best yet.! LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ LL~ H^^ H^^ H^^
John 5:24   www.fcmodelers.com

Offline Gary Dowler

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #148 on: January 22, 2019, 11:19:08 PM »
HOME INVASION:

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. Man started sobbing and said,

“You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
That's funny stuff right there!!!
Profanity is the crutch of the illiterate mind

Offline john e. holliday

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Re: Humor section?
« Reply #149 on: January 23, 2019, 11:03:04 AM »
This sounds almost like when we would get done with a growth job out of town, the boss would tell us to call home and let the wife know you were on your way home. I am surprised we didn't have a higher divorce rate when guys would have to call home and tell wife to go to the clinic.   I never had that problem D>K
John E. "DOC" Holliday
10421 West 56th Terrace
Shawnee, KANSAS  66203
AMA 23530  Have fun as I have and I am still breaking a record.


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