Years back when my youngest daughter, Melissa, went off to college, she shared a dorm room with two other girls who came from elite backgrounds. They were snobby and proudly paraded around in their designer clothes and crested blazers.
They felt that Melissa was a second class hillbilly since she lived in New Hampshire, the birthplace of teenage cow-tipping. I decided to play along and composed a couple of letters that she could share with her roomies to further convince them of her backwoods family life. Besides, she always said my purpose in life was to embarrass her in front of her friends. I didn't want to let her down.
I tried to scan the original letters and attach them to this message, but they were too small to read comfortably, so I painstakingly re-typed them as a Word document. I have attached them for your viewing pleasure. I really enjoyed the trip down memory lane reading and copying these letters. I hope you smile a bit as you read them.
Suptimer 16, 1989
Deer Lisser,
I never tol yoo that yer mom gave up a grate creer in football sos she cood be yer mom. It waz tuff those erly daze after yoo was borned. Coodn’t fine a jersy with a nursin flap ta save our lifes. Yoo gat a helluva rash on yer fase from them lases on the sholder pads. Maw hadda drop clear outa trainin she did.
Yer bruther sends hiz luv an hopes ta seeya reel soone. He sayz that they hadd the tunnel almost dug clean threw, but then they wuz seen by the dogs and then all hell broke loos. Figgers hes gonna spen anudder spell kertsy of the state.
Aunt Sally got a noo hed fer the Harley an it do run jus nise. She shore looks purty in them new leathers an all. Got that noo peecock tattoo after wantin wun all these years. Had it stuck rite on her yoo no whut, so all the fellers kin seeit. Says she likes to watch there eyes when she makesit ferl its tail fethers! Hot Dam! That ol Sally is more like yer maw evry day! Kinda gives yoo a warm feelin, knowin that ya cum frum good blud don it?
Hun, we got sum sad tellins fer ya. Yer ol cat waz sittin onna stove wun day reel resent like he duz ya no. Seems maw wuz cookin up sum hamhocks an grits, ya no sundy dinner an all like it wuz. Well yer ol cat he dun jumpt rite in the kittle like lickety split an the lid slamd shut like they do sumtimes. Wel yoo kin gess the rest. Yup we hadda scrap the hocks. Kinda hert all of us cawz hocksngrits is famly tridishin like it allus wuz. We shore miss yore cat tho. Wish yoo coda bin heer fer the fooneril. We dun it up like yoo bin proud. We stooda rown the disposer in reel quietlike an sed a prair fer yer cat n the hocks. Then yer maw hit the switch. It wuz over kwicklike cawz yew twernt heer.
Gotta run sweets. Mawz fixin ta git reddy fer sum luvin an she cant fine the chanes an cuzzin Lukey. Hava good booklernin taday an rite reel soon when ya kin slip a stamp owta yer roomys stuff. Luv, yer Dad, Cuzzin Ernie
Suptimer 17, 1989
Deer Lisser,
Sims lik onlee yestiday I rote. Time sher flies when yer kidz is all growd up. Only seventeen of em left ta home now. Yoo kin almose heer the eckow in the livin room where ther wuz allus noyz frum all ta happy kidz aplayin. I gess yer maw an I er juss gittin on in yeers. I bleeve yer moms chilbarrin yeers is bout over.
Yer ole Uncle Gus wuz cawt down at ta Smiths farm agin. This time he wuz cawt doon the mule out behine the woodshed. Las time twas the hog that wun that perty ribbon at the state fare. Anywayz, the sherrriff wernt too kindly tward ole Gus. Tole him ta stay out ta Smiths barnyard an propity in genrel. Pore ole Gus don no what ta do since ole ant Sarah went down the rode wit that feller asellin them fancy lectrosucks vackyoom misheens. He sayz (ole Gus that is) that that ole mule asmelt so much like Sarah that he coont help hisself. Sayz that ole mule wuz ackshewilly better thin ole Sarah. Hope yer maw don get winda that. Ole Sarah was her favrit kin.
Hay! We got sum good newz fer ya! Yer baby brudder Cliffy jist larnt ta tawk. Sed his firs werd las nite. Sed braatnessplockendt jesa cleer as abell. Yew shooda hernt im sayt. Yer maw an I see sum reel potenshill in that yungun. We bleeve hes gonna mekus all prowd been a fass larner an all. Nuna yew kids ever tawked dis erly in yore lifes. He is only twelve yeers ole this pass May! Necks thin ya no, that lil guy will be up on tew legs jessa wawkin rown the hole howse like he bin doon it alla his life! We see alotta yew in him been so smart inall. When yoo cum home fer hollydaze the tew ofya kin reed books an lern tagedder like kinsfoke shewd. Blud is thiker thin water they sez. Ya takes care of yer own if ya no whut I meen.
Yer sisters pregnant agin. This time it seether cuzzin Charlie, uncle Zeke, cuzzin Ralphy, aunt Millys goldin reetreever, the kid down the strit wid all the drewl runnin owta his mowth, that ole boy frum the carnyveel or granpa Jessy. Gotit narrowt down thet fer. Soon as she lerns ta tawk, I hope she lerns ta say no like yer maw duz. Ole maw has that certnt mount of reespeckt that she draws outtaya.
Got thu new rewf on lass weak yano wehr it yoosta leek alloer the livin rume. Wuz downe at the dump lass weak an fown sum like knew cartins frum frigerators like they sell in the Seers Katilog. Well yew prolly dunt member cawz them pages was all ripd outa the book by the time yew was reddy ta lern bowt potty trainin an hijeen an all. Anyways I dun brung theez neet cartins home an cuttim up inna peeses an made shinguls outtem. It werks reel neet an it don leek much sept whin the wins ablowin outta ta nort. Yer maw is reel tikled that she sgot a rewf like alla uther rewfs in town.
Oh! Member ole Bert downe ta rudd by Potters place? Well ole Bert fine lee lernt ta drive wona them awtymobeels like ya seen in ta sitty where ya bin alernin all that edgykashyen stuff. He cumma flyin down the rudd like billybedamned tuther day an like ta scare yer britches off. Cuzzin Molly waz aplayin on the rope out on ta ole maple tree yano taw un where yoo yoosta play dockter witt yer brudders an cuzzinsan the drewly fased kid. Anywaze ole Molly cumm offa dat rope like a shot an fellan hit her punkin hed onna rock that wuz alayin their. She wuz out colt fer neerly haffaday fer she cum tew an thay thawt she mite hav brane dammige frum ta axydint. Well she wuz awl rite an thay let er cum home after a spell. Thay rilly thawt she was hert bad at firss when she woke up cawz she juss rambld on an er eyz was arollin like thay dew. We toll em that she bin like that sinse ta day she gut trapped in ta henhouse wid uncle Gus ovrnite wun time when she wuz six yeers ole. Yew don member problee cawz we never tawked bout it much in frunta yew kids.
Well sweets I gotta stop dis heer litter rite now an go help yer maw. She went down ta the crik ta dew lawndree an I gotta go watch an make sher she don fall in agin. Lass time that happint the fishin went allta hell cawz a yer maws perfoom. Nobuddy in ta holler wood eet any o the fish cawz thay tastest like yer maw.
Rite soon cawz we all injoy yer litters wid all them perty pikters yoo draw fer ussens. I wood sent yoo munny but I aint got change fer a sevinhunert dollir bill and the banks is shut up titern uncle Bobby ona Satiday nite.
Luv, Yer Dad Cuzzin Ernie
Topic: A Little Humor (Read 1814 times)