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Design => Engineering board => Topic started by: RandySmith on March 08, 2018, 04:01:01 PM
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ENGINEER
noun. {en-juh-neer}
Someone who does precision
guesswork based on unreliable data
provided by those of Questionable knowledge
See Also Wizard , magician Scotty
:-) I thought someone would get a laugh out of it !
Randy
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I finally learned how to spell it and now you've messed me up.
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the engineers I know all say en-jin-eer. En-ju-neer's are management.
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If it's broke, I can fix that.
If it ain't broke, I can fix that.
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(https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8160/7214525854_733237dd83_z.jpg)
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Excellent Alexey .
An Engineers someone who can do for ten shillings what costs anyone else five pounds . Neville Shute .
(https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0883/8412/products/123t_im_an_engineer_loose_ry.jpg?v=1480535212)
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After many years of working for many, many managers I can see the underlying truth in the following story:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 38.85 and 38.89 degrees N. latitude, and between 77.02 and 77.03 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
"The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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(https://i.imgur.com/L0NQnN8.jpg)
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Engineer
People who confuse an Engineer with the gentleman who chaffers the locomotive have a one-track mind.
ASME
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This says it all!!!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx6HojLBsnw
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The 1st cordless power drill.
(But also, the 1st engineer who figured it out!!)
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I finally learned how to spell it and now you've messed me up.
Howard, just remember this...
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Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Business degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Congress.
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Understanding Engineers #2.
Some would say "the glass is half full".
Some would say "the glass is half empty"
I say "where the hell is the bar maid?"
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To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
H^^
-Andrey
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Three men, a doctor, lawyer and engineer were in France and all were convicted of a capital crime.
They were sentenced to the guillotine.
The doctor places his head on the block and the executioner pulls the trip cable.
Nothing happens, the blade is jammed at the top.
This is declared an act of God and the man is pardoned.
The exact same things happens with the lawyer and he is also pardoned.
The engineer approaches the block, looks up and says “Hey, I can fix that blade”.
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And for all the pointy-haired managers in the room .....(This isn't funny because it is too true!)
An Incomplete Theory of Management Evolution
Proposition:
If the hierarchy of management is comprised of those who get there
based on how good they _look_ instead of how good they _do_, it
will inevitably become totally populated by that kind of person.
Corollary 1:
They _will_ make the kind of decisions that are politically in
favor (i.e., "what the boss wants to hear") regardless of the
technical factors.
Corollary 2:
Credit for success will be usurped, blame for failure will be
delegated.
Corollary 3:
Glossy-back information is sacred.
Corollary 4:
"Honesty" and "ethics" are not a part of their vocabulary, which
is entirely comprised of quotes from glossy-backed advertisements.
(See Corollary 3.)
Corollary 5:
Any organization with a management hierarchy large enough to consider
"flattening" should be.
Corollary 6:
Any organization large enough to consider "Quality Assurance" or
"Metrics" to be organizational instead of inherent is too large
and ultimately must fail.
Corollary 7:
A "Quality Program" is evidence of management failure.
Corollary 7a:
Quality cannot be "dictated" into a product.
Corollary 7b:
Quality will always be sacrificed to schedule.
Corollary 7c:
"Quality" is too often a management buzzword.
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When significant figures are optional...
(https://i.imgur.com/egEe0eB.png)
H^^
-Andrey